Releasing the Need to Please
Is there a downside to people pleasing?
People pleasing is an adaptive pattern. It is usually unconscious and while it may seem to have many benefits, it also has great disadvantages when we’re not being choiceful. In this article, Terri talks about the People Pleasing Pattern, how it limits a woman’s voice, and how you can transform pleasing in your life.
One of the biggest challenges I hear from my female coaching clients is how to be in all the places their lives require of them. On the home front, they’re raising children, attending school events, carpooling, managing doctor and dentist appointments, and coordinating after-school activities. They’re taking care of their home, being a good neighbor, and looking after the family pets.
At work, they’re running big projects, they may have people reporting to them, and they’re working through office politics. They are trying to make a contribution in the world. High achieving women (at home and work) wrestle with how to succeed in a world that rewards stereotypical male values. And, they try to do this while also still maintaining their attractiveness, sexuality, and sense of themselves as a woman.
Women want to succeed, need to succeed, and don’t want to give up their cooperative natures in exchange for male competitiveness. Women want to be competent and independent, and want to be loved and nurtured by a partner. And our emotions – which link to our ability for intimacy – are often pushed down in exchange for emotionless business rationality.
And at the end of the day, many women are depleted and feeling like they’re failing at everything. I get it! I’ve been there. I hit the proverbial wall three times before it occurred to me that the problem wasn’t me needing to work faster and harder, and maybe I need to look inward for a solution.
Pleasing is a multi-prong phenomena that affects our human growth and development.
We see pleasing in cultures, organizations, and individual behavior. It is systemic – meaning that it can be so deeply embedded that the root of pleasing is not even noticeable because so many people are behaving similarly.
We also seeing pleasing being passed down through the generations. You may have been raised in a culture or a period in history where women were taught to be submissive to men. Or in a family where the girls were taught to be nice while the boy were encouraged to be aggressive. Pleasing is an adaptive pattern and if we go back in generations through time, we see where pleasing was a survival strategy for women at a time when speaking up had severe consequences. And even today, we see where pleasing is a necessary survival strategy in some parts of the world. For most women though, pleasing has become an unconscious behavior.
Pleasing shows up on the power continuum.
At the opposite end of pleasing we see controlling behavior and needing to be the one in charge. The balance of pleasing is found in assertiveness by knowing what you want and need and balancing this with the wants and needs of others.
Pleasing can also manifest as niceness.
Nice is a label that parents, teachers, and other adults affix to a well-behaved child. “What a nice girl you are.” or “There’s a nice boy” are frequently heard forms of praise.
Nice is also used prescriptively by parents and other significant adults as in, you should be nice – because it connotes being well-bred, polite, well mannered, and ultimately, socially acceptable. It is used proscriptively, especially with adolescent girls, to differentiate morally sound actions from those that are immoral or amoral, as in “Nice girls don’t …”.
However it is interesting to note how often the attribute of “niceness” when applied to adults is actually discounted and sometimes even disparaged. Consider how often a qualifier follow the subjective phrase as in, “she’s nice, but..” or “He’s a nice guy, but …”. The discounting but generally heralds some reference to a negative character quality.
Dictionaries define nice as pleasing or agreeable. In general, nice people tend to be viewed as flat and two-dimensional instead of three-dimensional with depth and definition. In groups or organizations, nice individuals simply don’t make waves. And, while they do not offend others, nice people may not impress others either. In fact some nice people are even disparaged for the qualities of compliance, ingratiation, and agreeability that are largely synonymous with their defining trait.
By definition nice means pleasing, it understandably lies at the core of your self-concept as a people pleaser. On the other hand, since nice seems to be of equal value as a character trait and source of self-esteem, why does it feel so compelling as a guideline for your actions. And, why do actions that are incongruous with nice create so much anxiety and discomfort?
There are several steps we can take to transform our pleasing pattern. Assertiveness, is one step that is a healthy capacity to transform People-Pleasing. In most cases, I can assert myself without putting myself in danger, and I have the right to choose to be with people who welcome my opinions, feelings, and desires. I can find people who will connect with me, even if I am strong and assert myself. My needs are just as important as other people’s, and they are more important to me.
What is Assertiveness:
- Assertiveness involves knowing what you feel, think, and desire, as opposed to being overly influenced by other people’s opinions, feelings, and needs.
- Assertiveness is part of being an autonomous adult.
- This capacity also involves exerting power to get what you want, stand up for yourself, protect yourself, and speak your mind.
- It can mean exerting power to take care of others or to achieve what you think is right or best in a given situation. But keep in mind: Assertiveness involves accomplishing these things without needing to be aggressive, controlling, or judgmental. Assertiveness naturally integrates with Cooperation, where you are open to other people’s needs and opinions without giving up your own.
WHAT IS THE ONE THING THAT LIFE WITHOUT PLEASING MIGHT HOLD FOR YOU? HOW IS PLEASING HOLDING YOU BACK FROM FULLY EXPRESSING YOUR INNER VISION IN THE WORLD?
Click here to download my e-Book “Stop Being a People Pleaser” and take the assessment to see how pleasing is showing up in your life.
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